I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
