peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
