We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
