Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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