I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
