Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
