dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
