I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
