why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
