I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
