You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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