like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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