Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
