What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
