That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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