So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
