Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can text with my tongue
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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