a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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