thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
