hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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