i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
