Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
