Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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