i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
