I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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