My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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