Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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