Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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