I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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