we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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