Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
