??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
