I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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