matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
