I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
