she looked like the before picture.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
