Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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