Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
