So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
