I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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