He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
