I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
