Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
