its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
