First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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