worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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