Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
