why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All I want is dick and wine.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
