If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
