Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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