oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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