im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
