Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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