I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
