look no pants
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
