i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
